Life with BPD
It’s different than bipolar disorder
BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder and is developed overtime, usually from a young age, due to direct trauma from someone close to you with un/diagnosed bipolar disorder, which is genetic. You’re born bipolar but you are not born with BPD, if that makes sense. Either way it’s absolute hell. Bipolar moods will come and go through a timeline usually over the course of events. BPD spurs any moment due to outside sources causing our moods to go 0-100-0 within seconds. It makes me feel absolutely crazy. Maybe I am but this disease doesn’t fucking help.
Trying to settle down
BPD causes me to have these irrational and disgusting thoughts that will just fester and cycle. People will often say to go on a breather a walk when they’re upset to calm down and not make rash decisions. For us lucky few, while we calm down is when the worst thoughts come to light and the best most diabolical plans become this drug you absolutely HAVE to have. After the storm when all is settled, are we embarrassed by our actions? FUCK YEAH, are you kidding?! The come down is the worst part when you realize you don’t care anymore. Actually the worst part is when this is all said and done and you think about it again and due to your MS have memory issues and forget what resolved it so you get mad all over again. Do you see the vicious cycle my mind has me in?
Causes for BPD
Remember that person who has bipolar disorder close to you that is the cause of you BPD? For me it’s my mother. It wasn’t her fault the shitty ass hand she was dealt but she didn't have to take her disappointment in her own life out on me, for my whole life. The only time she was nice to me was when I was her star daughter and captain of the Colorguard at Mason and made straight A’s. When real life hit me and I tried working through things is when things went back to normal between us, like how it was when I was a kid. Never knowing which mood she’d be in when she walked through a door. Not knowing what small thing would set her off today and have her hate me again. I know she doesn’t hate me but she didnt make it easy for me to feel or know that. I always felt like she resented me for something ever since I was born. I’m not like my sister and it drives her nuts. For me it’s led to me being anxious and on edge about everything and having to constantly check in on those who claim to love me around me and make sure they aren’t actually secretly mad at me hiding it just waiting for the perfect moment to let it explode out for some small reason; such as forgetting a worksheet at school in kindergarten resulting in getting slapped across the face with a plastic folder while being called stupid and worthless. If you’re reading this mom, that’s one of my only glimpses of my childhood I have…. I digress.
Living with it
How do I cope? Genuinely, I take a lot of prescription drugs. I mellow myself out at all means and numb myself. Due to that do I still have my spunky upright sparkly spirit anymore? No. But that spirit hasn’t seen me in decades. I miss her honestly. I work hard daily to try and get her back. I feel a lot of people my age are trying to find their childhood spirits again right now. It’s part of being in your mid twenties after a lifetime of crazy ass fucking shit. Some days are hard. Some are harder. Some are easier. I just take each day and try and move on to the next with some kind of fun goal in mind for the future. I also remind myself to not be too harsh on myself. I was dealt a shitty hand, but I was also dealt some pretty cool cards in the middle of it. I’m going to use those to dig myself out of this nasty pit and bloom into something I deem worthy. I’m not doing it for my dad or my mother, but for myself. For the little girl who had a personality too big for any room she walked into. For her.
